365 days and going

I haven’t really written anything of late, so I dedicate this post to my mother, who passed away one year ago today.

image

Dear Mamma

it has been an entire year since you left us. I’ve been thinking of you a lot recently. When I woke up this morning and thought of you, I wondered how to celebrate you. This seemed like the best as you were one who always read and supported my scribblings on here.I started thinking about the whole ritual of celebration, how we go through these personal ceremonies to celebrate those who have passed on. I then started thinking about who this serves more – the person conducting the ritualistic reminder, or the memory of those gone? I wonder why I feel inclined to write this, as I’m sure the laws of being in your case are very much different to what I can possibly fathom, and you may not see these words but this is how I choose to celebrate you – my ritual. I guess it allows me to feel closer to you as I focus on words that are inspired by your spirit, which I am now sure is eternal.

The last 365 days have been illuminating. The beginning of the end triggered a series of life lessons for me which has left me with clearer vision. Words have more deeper meaning for me now and the way things express themselves, I find weird but somehow logical. I have had run ins with too many seemingly coincidental circumstances to just write them off as coincidences. To others, no doubt, they are, but to me I feel a little bit more. These abstract feelings and intuitions are bit too strong to write off. Some may say I put and look for too much meaning in things. My response would be, if we are not looking and making meanings of seemingly abstract things, then what the heck are we doing with life? If we don’t put meaning in our lives, then surely our lives are meaningless. Having a career and filling you life with things, for me, is not meaningful. I guess the way we each perceive and express those meanings are somewhat different, but the abstruse that motions and drives the subjective to expression is surely what connects all of us?

I found pain to be something that is mostly self inflicting. I found much pain to be caused by mindset and the human egotistical characteristic of personalizing everything to the point of strangulation; expecting things to be a certain way and when it reveals itself as something very different to what we thought or envisioned, we become childish. I realized how unfair, unrealistic and varied our views on life are. Expectation has killed so much and unchecked expectation which we are so easily susceptible to, will be the downfall of unity. Before you passed on I found the thought of not having you around to be painful. I felt that pain at its apex one week before you left and one day before I said goodbye. I even told you about it and your response was so undeniably you. You told me not to be angry and not to hold whatever trace of hate there was in my perception of your departure. Even in the face of death you showed no fear and within these past 365 days I have learned death is not to be feared. Fear is based on a man made, short sighted illusion and I am glad to say, even though I may sometimes live in fear, I try not to live according to it. That was something you taught me, not necessarily with those words, but with actions and intentions much of which I have identified, albeit in hindsight.

Through this last year I have encountered some great life lessons in the wake (pun not intended…Although you always did enjoy a good laugh, so pun intended!) of your absence. I am lucky to have the sturdiest of blueprints you passed on to me. Some tribes passed on wisdom and insight through ritualistic and ceremonious dances which were symbolic and held meaning. Your dance was your life, and you danced it beautifully. How do I know this? Because I interpreted and understood your dance and it has very much influenced mine, giving rise to new melodies and movements.
I’m happy to tell you, mamma, my melodies and dances hold no anger or hatred. You taught me that and these past 365 days have solidified those feelings and intuitions. How so? Because I questioned them and honestly answered them. How do I know I was honest? Because sometimes the answers did not benefit me, but fitted perfectly into a bigger picture which I am apart of. I don’t hate that you are not here, I do not feel your time was cut short, I do not hate the cancer or the complications that took your life. I miss you, that is for sure, but with your life and your death you passed on something abstract which I am unable to articulate clearly. What I do know, is that it was something truthful, honest and beautifully illuminating and I hope others can see the reflection that your bright light casts from me. This is how your spirit lives on.

All my eternal love

Matt
XXX

Advertisements

A letter to my sum total

Dedicated to the desolation of Smaug…

My dearest Heart and Body,

I felt as though I should write you both this letter before we endure this journey together. I am the eldest of us and I’ve been through this process before, and I feel that perhaps these words will some how help prepare us in some unconscious way, at some point in the future.

The three of us are all separate beings, yet at the same time, we are one. We exist in a realm of free will (to some extent) and even though I have experienced this before, it is different and I too will be learning new lessons because of the two of you. Together we make up a dynamic being, both seen and unseen. We are a balance of our separate selves – a synergy, but believe me there will be times where one of us will be predominant and take lead. We will all have countless chances and we will all learn and share from each others mistakes and glories – this is what pushes and evolves us through the consequences of those results, but remember we experience it all together. We will each feel the effects of each others choices and actions. At times we may even betray each other unknowingly as we each speak different languages. You won’t understand it at first, but conditions and environment play a major part in our dynamic and being, and we each will want to react differently. Hopefully over time we will become more in tune with one another and realize we are bigger than our separate selves, then hopefully truth will shine through like a back-lit canopy casting light sparingly on the shadows of our periphery. In time hopefully we become brighter – that is my hope for us.

To my heart, you are the most sacred of things in this life, the being we want to protect the most as you are the most fragile yet malleable. Our dear Body fears for your fragility and I fear of the potential of your malleability. This will eventually cause us to disagree on certain topics and affect our decisions which we choose together and experience together. Heart, you will experience the brunt of our choices, the effect of which has the ability to shape, mend and bend you, even to the point of shattering. The effects on you affects our Body and myself in different ways. The way in which you shape is incredibly important to the sum total of us. You will break, bend and mend to varying degrees, on seemingly differing levels of importance. You must be aware of the shape you cool yourself into, because sometimes you will bend into a shape that causes cuts and wounds and if, like metal, you cool down into that serrated shape it becomes difficult to cause a fire and heat in order to be able to mend and round your vicious edges. Sometimes you may bend unwillingly, unknowingly or naively into a shape you don’t like or other hearts, bodies and souls may not like. Sometimes you won’t know any better and are at the mercy of elements in the realm of our Body. Our Body should look after you, but it too is its own being and has free will. Sometimes our Body may betray us in moments of weakness, but we should not be too hard on it as we are responsible for its conditioning. We are a dynamic synergy and we are responsible as a whole, even though we are separate free-willed beings. The catch, my dear Heart and Body, is that to learn, condition and evolve each of ourselves together as one, requires experiences which predominantly takes place in the realm of our dear and fearless Body. That is where our Body is king, just as emotion is your realm, Heart, and ideals are mine. We work separately and as one – I cannot stress this enough.

To my fearless Body, you are our doorway to the collective reality of this life. You are the youngest and less experienced of the three of us and your conditioning and quality of life is largely mine and our Heart’s responsibility. Remember, you have free will and sometimes you will not always abide to our wishes. You and our heart share a close relationship, one that I will not always understand, and I know there will be times when the two of you will conspire against me and my ideals. We each have our strengths and weaknesses, like every being in existence. I have a foresight that the two of you won’t necessarily be able to recognize and due to the lack of foresight the two of you share, you will rebel and we will lose balance within our dynamic. Hopefully we learn in those times of crises. The only way to regain balance is for the three of us to come to an unspoken compromise that can only be attained in time, experience and sacrifice. We should become purposeful and disciplined but at the same time we cannot be overly hard on ourselves and each other, as evolution takes time and to evolve means learning and to learn means the destruction of one ideal and the creation of a new, better one. That is where I serve the both of you. Within my realm time is an illusion and that is something the both of you will struggle to understand. Time is a necessity for evolution and because you don’t posses the foresight and understanding I have, the effect of time is different for you and it will cause you to make decisions and act out in ways that may not be intended, and this is where Karma works. Karma is an extraneous force and being, which the three of us won’t fully understand, but it is necessary for everyone’s evolution. No human or being of any kind is exempt from its laws. We may at times like it, or not like it but it is there. It is not about winning or losing, but learning and understanding which makes Karma one of the greatest teachers, should we be able to see and identify when it is at work…and it is always working.

Dear Body, you are physically the strongest and you bare the brunt of living in the accepted collective reality and therefore you are perceived more real than your Heart and I – this is your weakness. You have an ego and it often tells you that you are the only one that matters, this hurts your heart and myself, because there will be countless times that your ego will get in the way and distort whatever limited foresight you have, causing you to make decisions without your heart and I having any say. This is to be expected, but also realize that is not necessarily who you are. You are part of a sum total of three – you, your heart and me. Those moments of crises will come, where bad judgment and vulnerability will cause you to manifest actions that will affect not only you, but me and our precious heart too, even the hearts of other beings can be affected by your actions.
Body, you are powerful and your actions are powerful, so be careful how you express yourself as it has very real effects on us and on others. Having said that, it is mine and our Heart’s responsibility to teach and condition you and hopefully sooner rather than later your ego will wane and you will know there is more than you – that there is more than just the three of us. Sometimes we will forget that.
The past does matter and so do consequences. Why does it matter? It matters because the past, with the aid of Karma and consequences, teaches us and hopefully we learn. Hopefully I never fail the both of you with my ideals that you cannot see. Heart, hopefully with my ideals and lessons of consequences, Karma and the past, you shape yourself into a beautiful shape that is unwavering yet compassionate. This shape that you create yourself into colours and conditions our beloved body and your shape, my dearest Heart, is more so my responsibility than our Body’s. I will try not fail you, as I hope that the both of you don’t fail me, and when we do fail one another, be loving, compassionate and understanding and learn from our mistakes. We are an ecosystem. I am you and you are me, we are one, even though each of us are free.

Here’s to our voyage, to our glories, our failures and the lessons and consequences each one brings and as time passes may it bring us closer together making us evermore one, not only with each other, but with those other ecosystems and sum totals that are in existence. To those other ecosystems and sum totals of bodies, hearts and souls that may feel our effects negatively, we are truly sorry and remorseful.

Here’s to the journey, may we become more evolved and better equipped as it unfolds. I love you all.

All my love

Soul

18 Hours

It’s 07:39 on Monday morning. I’m standing in my kitchen because that is the only place wi-fi seems to work. I have just realized Christmas is done – Along with opening presents, good-will and cheer. The faces of the new year are slowly taking shape. It’s almost as if the dawning of stress from days that are yet to come have inverted the festive cheer and slightly twisted some people’s smiles. This year has been crazy; filled to the brim with dualities and I can’t help but reflect on the significance of some of the things I have observed, experienced and learned. For Christmas I got my notebook to scribble down my thoughts, and over the past two days I have been reflecting and scribbling. This is my final post for this year, 2013. This is me letting go and appreciating all the year had to offer. This year went by so fast – in a blink of an eye, but I learned my lessons. Enjoy the hours that are left in this year and allow me to share how I saw these past months…

18 Hours

1.
I saw ideas grow like trees;
giving breath to life and support to the living.

2.
I saw life as an ocean and myself as a library.
I saw the new year as a sunrise
but at the time I was too asleep to appreciate it.

3.
I witnessed intentions like a flame igniting wicks.
I also saw careless flames melt candles and set fire to curtains
reducing mansions to dying cinders,
but sometimes tears are stronger than fire
lifting the Phoenix from out our ashes.

4.
I learned angels can sometimes fall
and humans are able to carry them.

5.
I realized will is stronger than cancer
and souls are brighter than the shadows of love.

6.
I found expression was a direct telephone line to God;
He doesn’t speak human – so many hang-up –
but I find myself on the phone more often.

7.
I learned drum beats do more than keep melodies together
they are universes themselves
and they are waiting to be painted.

8.
I discovered how to let roses be
and how to appreciate them;
thorns and all,
because they don’t have to be plucked to be admired.

9.
I learned grey skies can block out the sun
but the rain it sometimes brings can cleanse the heaviness of souls.

10.
I discovered a half glass of water can eventually become the heaviest of burdens
and all I had to do was put it down.

11.
There were times I felt like Atlas
struggling to hold up the celestial sphere
but I saw angels and their wings beating for my heart
and the world didn’t seem so heavy.

12.
My heart was an actor
it played the role of a mirror.
Love was the sharpest of arrows and when it was released
it shattered my mirror into a thousand different pieces.
But I realized it still reflected and as I leaned in over the floor where it lay –
I found myself.

13.
I struggled to find the keys to unlock this cage
and when I found it,
I left its doors wide open,
even though the wind sometimes blows it closed.

14.
I saw expectation murder hope.
I forgave it and let it go.
My hope still lives from beyond the grave
like a ghost haunting my life.

15.
I saw egos as gardens and learned:
Some humans keep them tidy and beautiful,
others don’t.

16.
I saw words as more than merely letters
and sentences more than these words.
They were ancient pin pricks of light
like stars piercing the blanket of night,
making it more than just heavy but beautiful too.

17.
I observed seasons in everything;
from harsh stormy winters to beautiful lush summers
and depending where one is located in life,
we sometimes see winters all year-long.

18.
I felt this year was a day.
Every two hours – a month.
I slept for at least six of those hours,
but I’m awake now.
I saw the hours for what they were
and now I await for a beautiful sunrise.

 

Wishing you ALL a happy safe New Year. Although your year may have been incredibly shite, reflect on what you have experienced and hopefully you can take away something positive from the negative. Remember that truth is a bigger duality and we are often too small to see it, we get glimpses and slices which we see as good or bad. There is no right and wrong, only lessons and I do hope you have all learned yours. All the best for 2014.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The truth about love

He spent the night before in a drunken stupor. The pressures of life was getting too much. Every choice he made seemed in vain. He had the best intentions for everything he did, yet his decisions and actions had consequences that panned out very differently to what he envisioned.

He could still taste the alcohol on his breath as he forced himself off his couch. He caught a glimpse of the photograph that sat on the shelf. Such happy times, he thought. Funny how so much can change in several months. The photograph brought a sadness and a yearning for the past, but he shook it from his mind as he downed a glass of cold water.

Since she left he hardly cared to keep the fridge and pantry stocked. Hunger caused his stomach to ache. He hadn’t eaten properly for three days, and his binge the night before didn’t help. He brushed his teeth, changed his t-shirt and left his house.

The restaurant was small and it’s atmosphere relaxed. He sat at the table in the corner, by the window. There were a few conversations happening at surrounding tables. At a table across the modest room, there were a group of girls who sat silently, each in front of their laptop tapping at their keys. They looked foreign.

He then noticed the waitress. She was beautiful. She seemed to radiate a certain energy, which caused him to smile. His eyes moved down to his hands and rested on his wedding band. His smile slowly faded.

The waitress walked over to his table and asked if she could take his order. All of a sudden he noticed he was slightly nervous, as he pulled his gaze from his hands. Their eyes locked and he couldn’t help but smile at her, and she did the same. They shared a fraction of a second of a moment, but a moment nevertheless and he felt so certain she felt the same. She didn’t have to write down his order. She smiled as she assured him his meal wouldn’t take long and casually walked back toward the till. His gaze remained with her and although he couldn’t see her face, he hoped that she was still smiling.

A stranger all of a sudden sat down on the chair opposite him. “She is beautiful, isn’t she?”

The stranger must have been in his mid fifties. He wore a brown coat and fedora. His skin was brown and worn by the sun. His beard seemed somewhat dirty and unkept and the smell of cigarettes clung to him.

Taken by surprise, he asked if he could help the stranger and kindly said he wasn’t looking for company.

The two of you shared a moment just then. Not many people get to share moments like those too often. It’s in moments such as those when you can tell if someone was meant for you.”

He was taken aback and felt incredibly confused with the stranger, but gave the stranger enough respect as to remain silent and allow him to continue.

I know love and its different faces when I see it. I saw it just then between you and the waitress.” The stranger paused. “And I also saw it in your sadness when you looked down at your wedding band. Love has many faces and many effects and all of them should be cherished.”

He was surprised at the strangers words but couldn’t falter him. He remained silent but with more interest as he let the stranger talk.

Many have misplaced the truth about love. Do you want to know the truth about love? The truth is, there is no one person just for you. There is no one soul-mate out there for each of us, there are many and each wears a different face of love. The truth about love is, we can fall in love with anyone. Anyone we choose, we have the ability to love them. What really makes love flourish is the dedication and devotion to that one you choose. With that dedication and devotion comes sacrifice – to see their happiness over yours, which ultimately should be yours, and by investing your devotion, dedication and sacrifice makes that person you chose to love, the one. The special one, who is unlike anyone else in the world, because they have your unique love. That, my friend, is the truth about love.”

Before he could say a word the stranger stood up, tipped his fedora, took a toothpick from the table and walked out the restaurant.

He sat there perplexed at the strange encounter, of which no one else in the restaurant seemed to take notice. Just then the beautiful, radiant waitress brought him his order. He smiled more care-free now as he thanked the waitress. There was a look in her eyes that made him feel love and he wished to be able to return it.

As he ate he thought about the stranger and his words about love. The stranger didn’t necessarily say anything he did not know before, but it felt as though this arbitrary encounter with him brought a bit of clarity to his life. It didn’t make things easier, but he just felt a little more enlightened.

He shared one last more moment with the waitress as he paid for his meal. Her smile made him feel love again as he thanked her and left. The rest of the way home he thought about the stranger, the waitress, his life and of love, but three words resonated within him; dedication, devotion and sacrifice.  

A thought on the nature of things…

I see words and language as symbols of greater concepts which cannot necessarily be explained, but we try. We try to convey the thoughts and images in our head using words. People are different, each understands and conceptualizes differently and therefore their outlook is somewhat slightly distorted to what you may see and understand. Some of us use art to interpret our thoughts and then convey what we have learned. Some people get it, others don’t. There is no surprise to me that there is so much disagreement and conflict in the world. That’s the nature of things I guess. I like to think we all believe in the same thing, we just label things differently, give slightly different symbolism for the same concepts. Perhaps some put more emphasis in the symbol (the physical) and tend to neglect the concept (spiritual). Maybe it is the concepts we should be mentally submersing ourselves in, trying to understand the concept by action. I like to think that this creates a balance between your physical self and your higher consciousness/spirit/soul whatever you like to call it.

I like to see the universe (existence/life/God/whatever you would like to call it) as a self-sufficient “machine” if you will. Similar to a pocket watch with all its cogs and wheels; everything the pocket watch needs to work, resides inside. If the universe is indeed self-sufficient, then every single cog and wheel within this grand universe is imperative for the universe to function. No matter how small the cog may seem, it will affect the cogs around it and in turn they will affect others and so on and so forth.

The universe is in constant motion, for it is the motion that keeps life together. Planets, solar systems and galaxies, all constantly hurtling through space, never remaining in the same place – forever changing. If the universe itself lives upon this principle of change or evolution, surely this concept relates even to such insignificant cogs such as ourselves, for do we not reside within the universe?

I like to think there is an unseen connection or thread that permeates everything in existence and it is this connection we should be seeking. If we understand and can identify the connections, can we not relate it to aspects of our personal existence? Perhaps the universe does converse with us on a daily basis. Perhaps our pride over the symbol prevents us from widening our gaze and exploring the concepts. We should not be so concerned what we call God, we should be more concerned with the concept and what it has to teach us. Too often its the names and symbols that hinder peace and love. Things are different, things are varied. Maybe it is that way because the universe has not stopped moving since it began. Perhaps it evolved from one simple concept, which gave rise to others but the connection between all is always there. If we can see past the differences and look for the connections the world, I think, will be a friendlier more loving place.

A new year, a new beginning…

A happy new year to my readers, I trust the last of your 2012 was fantastic and your 2013 is off to a positive start.

This past festive season has been an enlightening time for me. I cannot explain, but it truly feels as though I see things slightly more clearly. Throughout the year our experience and decisions somewhat accumulate and ofttimes we are unable to deal with them and give them their due attention. Sometimes it is hard to confront situations and people and we end up dismissing them and we convince ourselves that we will deal with it a bit later. These issues don’t get resolved and you will often find that it’s these issues that weigh heavy on your mind and anchor you down, preventing you from moving on – evolving.

What we need to understand is that life and existence is not stagnant. Everything keeps on going, there is always a movement and we need to be aware so we too can “move with the times” so to speak. Nothing is ever in the same place. The earth, solar system, even our galaxy is in perpetual motion, speeding through space – every moment different in time and space to the next, an evolution if you will.

It is the natural progression of life and we should also be striving to progress – better ourselves. To do this we must learn, act and evolve and this can only be done if there is nothing holding you back. Those issues that lay unresolved are lessons waiting to be learned. To truly learn a life lesson, I believe we must live out our conclusions or morals. This, I believe, leads us to enlightenment so we can be a more evolved being, one that is more than mere flesh and bone. Our existence and being is more than just a physical. We are  intellectual, sentient beings capable of infinite imagination and higher consciousness. This makes us more evolved than animal, not better, just more evolved.

I feel we should be striving for a stronger higher consciousness as opposed to satisfying our “animal conscience”, which I think is our physical, earthly body. We have a higher consciousness, which I believe can give us control over our conditioned minds. I think we need to be awakened to our higher consciousness, which I feel can be done by truly learning life’s lessons –  find the connection between everything and live your conclusion.

There is always a price –  a cause and effect. That price is our conditioned way of thinking, which often goes against the grain of society or our selfish, animalistic tendencies.  Are you willing to pay? To let go of your conditioned way of thinking, even if that means swimming against society’s current? That is often the price – popularity.

I hope you were all able to confront those issues that may have been haunting you in 2012, and may your slate be clean for 2013. A new cycle has begun and with it will come lessons…